I went up the RW Ranch mountain heavy with my ego self. I came back light with sweetness. On the evening of day five, I began to have doubts. I asked myself, Is there something that I must be doing that I am not? Am I getting what Michael felt I might get from this? Thoughts like this hounded me for hours. Then I sat to meditate. With every breath I called to God to come to me. It was a pure and silent chant. And I wept silent tears. It was my most genuine experience of yearning for the divine. It lasted about two hours. Connecting with the memory of it melts my heart.
Over the years, being with you in Royal Way, I have had a few sporadic, visceral experiences of God's love. The first time it was in a weekly meditation where I felt your love for me, and then felt that God loves me. I first felt your love, then the divine. These have been short bursts and, at times, even during hardship, I have felt God's wisdom and love.
This time I wanted to be the host. I was the supplicant, and wanted God to come to me because I loved him so. It all sounds simplistic but I know that you understand me. The last two days at the retreat house, I just felt loved by you and God. I felt showered by kindness and love.
Michael, the experience opened my heart and eyes to another facet of my relationship with you. And that is the knowledge that, without you, I would never be able to experience the divine. It would have been too abstract and out of reach. I now see how holy you have been in your ways—in your being, and in your treatment of me and others. And by your holy ways, you have been leading me to God the entire time. You have been the path, the light, and the example.
Michael, something is growing inside me now. I am now aware of my yearning and my seeking. And I will host you and the divine in my heart.
Years ago, in one of my early Pilgrimages, you gave us an exercise. It was based on a question you posed: "What was there before God?"
I now feel that I have an answer to your question of 10 years ago. Before there ever was God, there was a yearning for God. And if you were to ask me what it was that yearned for God, my answer would be: nothingness.
Welcome to my heart, Michael. Welcome.